First appointment with neurofeedback today. I went with open mind, didn't take my anxiety meds, and did my normal day up to then, one cup of coffee (since that makes my anxiety worse, something I have to deal with, although I have cut out most coffee because of that). Usually I have to take anxiety meds just to leave my place & go out in public, drive, whatever. I expected, and was ready, to take my anxiety meds after, while having to drive and to get back home, etc. Weird though. I was able to go to the appointment, do the "session" and I left, had anxiety, but didn't feel unbalanced & out of control as I usually do. So I decided to wait a bit, and see how I did and what triggers I felt, and so on. I went by and visited my boyfriend at work for a bit, grabbed some food, then stopped by K-Mart on way home, partially to avoid 5pm traffic hour. In the parking lot, I had my first "panic attack", when a woman was having some major issue & I picked up on it... I felt she was dramatizing, which made me reserved, so I waited in my car & "shook it off". She was "ok", which was in question, but I already knew that, just had to wait and make sure, because why would a woman act like that with two impressionable children with her? Same reason many selfish people do, for attention. Now I am glad I followed my intuition and kept my distance. I still went inside the store, which normally, I would not have been able to do. A panic attack for me rules me & takes over. I walked the store with a buggy & looked at tons of stuff, while traffic rush hour traffic went on outside, without me. I had a couple episodes inside the store, but each time was able to deal with each anxiety issue on my own, without meds, and get through it. I've not been able to do this in years. I walked past alcohol, with no desire, which normally, I am so "over the top" with my anxiety and being overwhelmed, that I would want to "numb" and make it go away. I have not had a cigarette in two days, only one then, and even though I wanted one, I have been able to get past that too. I arrived home like between 7-8 p.m. and actually felt the most "balanced" that I have in umpteen years. My anxiety controls me. Today, I controlled it, with success, for the first time in forever. I made another appointment for Monday morning, after morning rush traffic, then I have a dental appointment. I have a "social" meeting to attend with "people" out in public on Sunday, so this is all going to be a huge test for me. But if I can stay strong & in control like this, I am soooo on my way to accomplishing something that I have not been able to do myself, and overcoming issues that have plagued me for years and years. This is my first step towards a healthy life again. The possibilities if this works for me are endless..... so keep you posted on my progress!
On another note, it is no fun watching TV programs or movies anymore, as I know everything before it happens.... I was watching TV with my sweet boyfriend the other night & kept saying in advance how everything was going to go, and remember making the comment at the end "I bet you hate watching stuff with me lately, because I keep saying everything out loud before it happens". He was sweet enough not to agree. Tonight I watched several shows & did that through every one of them, and realized that it was boring, because it took all of the fun out of the show, knowing everything in advance. So, now I need something more fun & creative to stimulate my minds. Usually I watch stuff that I have to figure out, that stretches my brain, but even that is not a challenge anymore....
In addition, this week I have been hypersensitive to sound, light, smells, everything. I have had migraines again for the first time in a year. My senses are way over the top, which has caused me to withdraw even more. I have been in hyper-drive, working on websites and doing technological stuff, and it has made it worse apparently. But, even today, after my session, even though those things are a nuisance, they are tolerable. Wow, am I impressed and pleased. :) If I keep progressing, I will be posting a link to this guy for those in this area who can benefit from his help!
My energy over the last few weeks has been SO upside down. One minute I am normal, next minute I am "whacko", then round and round I go, up then down.... Keep this up and maybe I will get used to it! One upside, right? Actually, that is kind of true. The more I have to experience this, the more I learn, the more I hope to get a handle on it. Some days I think I have it kicked. Then within an hour I am going whacko. So, I have learned not to take the good for granted anymore that all is good, and be prepared, be stronger and pay attention, so that I can establish a cycle for myself, triggers and overcome them better with each experience.
I have done much better with negative energy and even groups of many energies. Normally, both would cause me major issues, but I am doing baby steps and making some progress it seems. Either that or I am just severely mis-guided. lol No really, a large group of mixed energies would wear me out for days. Negatives would drain me for days. Outside energy, same. But just in the last few weeks, even with me being in "energy" turmoil, I can see a difference. Yes, some days I have an awful time with it. But on a whole, I am dealing somewhat better. What used to take 5-6 days to recoup, is down to a day or two, depending. Last week I was busy with multiple energy issues (i.e. groups, meetings, appointments, outside/daytime energy, etc) and I bounced back so much better than I have in the past! Yay, progress (positive thoughts for sure)! And no matter what was thrown at me, I overcame it with much more ease and less stress. I have to say that I really think taking the Reiki classes have really made a huge difference, even subconsciously, how I deal with things. I also have come to the point of realizing that my "stuff" is coming up, and it is time to deal with it all... my past, my issues, who knows what all is there. But, I feel so positive about the progress I have made and know I can overcome and deal with it.
My entire outlook has changed. I don't feel the triggers emotionally that I did, even as recent as a couple weeks ago. I have learned to trust my intuition, the signs of pre-cognition, and to let go of the negative things in my past that I am conscious of. The blame for others and the self blame have to be forgiven and let go before we can grow and move on.
Even though it may seem that I am being negative in my posts, I really am not. I am just speaking about those things that affect me... I am a positive person by nature.. but I feel this blog is to be "real" with those things that may mean things to others also... which is where I come from. :)
My oddities... as I call them... things I experience, some I understand, many I don't. But I am getting there, slowly but surely.
This may get to some, but it is me.... I have super hyper sensitive smells, hearing, to light, sounds, everything it seems. Sometimes I can feel everyone around me, those I have "touched" their heart, on the other side of the world, others that have a connection with me in a certain way, etc.
For my oddities: I have extreme noise issues... that drive me completely insane... ticking, like the hands of a clock, a blinker in a car, tapping of the fingers (this drives me absolutely off the deep end), the friggin exhaust fan in a bathroom, loud noises, news, the dang song on the weather channel, back-up sounds on a vehicle that beeps, outside sounds other than nature, car horns, people talking too loud about stupid stuff or just talking for no reason period.
Other things that I just can't stand: Stupidity, liars, hypocrites, unethical people, pedophiles who take advantage of others with their abilities, narcissists, users, fake people, those to are not out to help others truly from the heart with no self serving motivations, and so much more I will have to come back and add...
Things I experience that I don't understand some or most of the time: the high pitch in my ears (don't know if it is the spiritual world trying to communicate also, but I have tied it to world catastrophes when it overtakes my head and I can't hear anything else and it goes ballistic). Astro-traveled in my dreams, sometimes I can remember, sometimes I cannot (which is more common), but yet, I know I have been there later, when things re-occur that I have already seen, or I see the future, and it confuses me, until things come true... or some just are there, and don't know the reason. I have remote viewed, with success, but don't understand it, and don't think it is a thing meant for me.
I know there are those out there that can help me, and my "true" friends have been there to help me along the way. But, I have soooo much progress to make, so many things to overcome, so much pain to let go of (mostly self blame and I understand that),
I have this weird a$$ chit going on with me for the like last 6 months or so, since I have been paying attention to time.... Every time I look at a clock it is: 1:11, 2:11, 9:11, 11:11 etc... or 1:33 2:33, 3:33, 4:44 etc. always the same..... I have started documenting times that I feel stuff to see if it coincides with other things, and most of the time it does... feelings, pain, natural events somewhere in the world..... Yes another oddity...