Boy, I was on a writing kick last night, obviously. I need to learn not to write after I take my sleeping meds and am waiting to pass out. I was just writing & writing, about anything & everything that flowed out my fingers. Oh well, even though it's not perfect, I will leave it, and now you have seen barely a teeny-tiny eeny-weeny itty-bitty part of my early life. That doesn't even touch on things, but hey, it's enough right now, right?
I know I have a long way to go, but I am evolving, growing, learning. My mechanism for dealing with people who said hateful, hurtful things was to get upset, write them off, be done with them. Lately, I have been working on myself, dealing with past relationships, working to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, and learning to say I am sorry for the part that I played in hurtful situations, no matter how warranted my actions might have been...
Tonight I realized that in my efforts to apologize, forgive, move on, that not everyone is accepting of my good will. No matter if I am in a place of forgiveness, that they are not and it is their ignorance and own self-hatred that keeps them in that unhappy place. So all I can do is what I can do on my end, is forgive and take responsibility for my actions and then just close that door and move on. I do not have to associate with such people, that drama, that negative energy in my life. I can move on in a good place, and leave it all behind. I can work to repair myself, and what past is repairable, then the rest, just do my best in the most positive way and keep going on my journey. I am my responsibility. I am accountable for my actions. Am I perfect? No way. Am I a good person? Damn right. Am I smart enough to know the difference? Sure am!
My entire life, I have dealt with abuse, every way, shape & form. I was molested for many years, beaten worse than any person should ever suffer, but am learning that the mental abuse is soooo much worse, harder to realize, harder to find an answer, and so much harder to get away from and then to overcome the damage done, wow.... that is a whole different story.
I thought that I had come through all of that, and by opening up, talking about it, journaling my thoughts, and trying to change what kept me repeating my adult relationships and ending back in an abusive situation. Get strong, big walls, "I am tough" and by dealing with it and toughening up in order to function, I did and kept going strong.
I left home at 15 years old (my 3rd time leaving) due to living at home in an abusive home (every way possible). I had been working odd jobs since I was 13 years old. I did inventory for a Parts Store at 13years old. Then 14-15 yrs old I took a babysitting job for a family of 2 beautiful boys. I became family, and they became mine. I kept those children & integrated into that family for 2 years. Those kids were like my own. But looking at paying rent & needing to survive, I could not live on the $40/week I got for taking care of the kids, and I spent every bit of it on gas driving them around! So I went to high school, took all advanced classes, and by end of my 11th grade year, I only needed like 1-1.5 credits to graduate. I went to summer school to accelerate my credits, so that I could enter the DCT (work training program) my entire 12th grade year. Because I took those extra credits, I did not even have to show up at school my entire 12th grade year, and I got grades for my work. I got straight "A's", moved out and got an apartment at 15, to escape my abusive home, and to add one better, my abusive, obsessed, dangerous boyfriend of 2 years. Yeah, I had it all directions. I was like a ping pong ball being beat to hell and back.
The next year, wow, I moved like 8 times, hopping from place to place, as I had no where to go.... initially I started out paying a 1/3 of the bills in a cool apartment with my best friend and her mom. The adventures I had while living there were some of the best in my life. I met the first man that I would fall in love with, intensely, unconditionally and forever. He taught me, showed me what a good relationship could be, treated me like a queen and he loved me, no matter what. But it was not meant to be, as I was too young, and he was so "free-spirited" and I was scared to give up my stability of a girl, on her own, 17 years old, working 2 jobs, singing in a band.... to just run off for love.. yes I wanted to run, I'd go anywhere with him, but my logical side said, "no, keep your feet on the ground".... so I had to stand there crying while I watched him walk away, heart broken. We both were crying.... every moment with him is embedded in my memory and most special.
After he left, I started dating, as before him it was all abusive relationships. I was still working several jobs & singing with the band, home hopping to keep a roof over my head, and I had to show up to my graduation and had not been physically to the school in over a year. I was lucky enough to have an awesome, gorgeous guy take me to my graduation, both all decked out, we were the bomb! All of my relationships after "my first love" were short lived, as they were all dysfunctional in some way. I didn't know what I wanted, and I was lost as a person, never having a place to live for long, running from my abusive "non-dad" (that's what I call the man they say is my father, who I since have found out is not, but no one will/can tell me who is, so I call him non). Sad to say, but the best thing that ever happened to me was his death. There was no way to keep my sanity, while continually being subjected to his alcoholic rantings, either chasing me down to try to make me go back home (in bed) with him, or standing at the door with a shotgun threatening to blow my brains out, showing up at my job yelling in his drunken stupor that he was gonna take me home to sleep with him. One time he found me walking to my sisters and chased me down the street in his truck. I was barefoot and jumped a ditch and ran up between two buildings to hide. He was so drunk he crashed into the ditch. I had to stay hidden on the ground, behind a building for 4-5 hours, until they got him out of there and I could safely come out. So yes, next relationship, was abusive. Then I got pregnant. I then realized it wasn't about me anymore. My child had to come first and be raised properly, giving him as much as I could, and never let him suffer emotionally, to the best of my ability. Things were definitely rough, but he was a beautiful child that was so special and worth doing without, dealing with crap to get him to where I needed him to be. I had seen totally dysfunctional and was going to prote
Well, it has taken me months of watching "Psychic Kids", and other shows and dealing one-on-one with those who help in the area of fears & energies to figure out that my biggest problem is me. Now that I have known that for a bit, understanding & overcoming are two different things. I understand that my anxiety comes from something from when I was a child, but is also fed and made worse by fear. My fears make my anxieties worse. So facing my fears then I should be able to decrease my anxieties. Right? Right, but easier said than done. I have started "journaling" and watching many different things, what affects me in what ways, and how I react, when my anxiety is worse and what is causing it, for the reason of dealing with those fears to overcome that anxiety. I AM making progress, although slow at times, yet still progress, and sometimes I "fall" backwards, but know that I am still moving in a forward motion. Hey, those things we let run our lives need to go! I am realizing more and more that I do have more control than I thought and by watching others reactions, fears, etc, it helps me learn about myself and my own issues. Fun, huh? lol Necessary, most definitely! Am I strong enough, dang right! Is it going to be easy, nope, but can I do it? Yep, without a doubt! :)