Wow, do I have a lot to blog to catch up! Talk about things that happen for a reason. First, let me state that my entire life has done a complete 180/360 since I last posted. I am not even the same person as I was then, not even close!I had intended on taking this blog down, as I am not in the same place as before, and I had gotten so far behind. Then, out of the blue, I get a "weekly" blog report where someone posted a reply on this blog. What is so "funny" is that I took this blog down a couple months ago, and the "subject" that they replied to is gone! Now, how's that for synchronicity? Sooooo, I will do my best to "start" the catching up, the day before I have to go offline for 10 days! I promise to get this caught up soon, but I have been through so many WONDERFUL changes, it is definitely going to take awhile to do so!Everything I described as a "problem" before in my blog posts, are no longer a problem. I see and understand so much now, and the lower vibrational issues are no longer an issue, because I am no longer there. I am so stubborn and hard-headed, those who watched me "suffer" through my issues over the last year or more who were more enlightened, didn't bother to tell me what my problems were! (I will explain the reason later.) First, I would not have listened! I could not even have attempted to comprehend at that time. What I experience now, is not something you can explain easily and furthermore, one must experience it themself, which is why we have these processes. Even as I type, I find it hard to explain, but I will try. Please understand that nothing I say in here is judgmental of anyone else, this is truly about what I have experienced and learned. BUT, so many will identify with it, it may trigger MANY emotions as you read this. The first is usually anger or to call me crazy. So be it. Those who are ready, will keep reading, and those who are not, will stop along the way as they "react" to what I write. For those who keep reading because they do want to understand and learn, I will do my best!There is a phenomenal website that covers possibly everything I am going to discuss on here. The reason I love that website, is because it is the first website I have found that covers everything to do with about every topic spiritually, especially the awakening process/signs, which I totally did not understand until recently. Until I can get the hyperlink to work here, I will just have to post the website url for you to copy & paste yourself. http://www.in5d.comI had far greater issues and problems than I listed on here. Some because I was not proud of them, and they were bigger than me at the time. Now those who know me, know that I am a tough, strong-willed individual. I am a huge tom-boy with a big feminine side. I am very analytical and had a crazy wild side. My gifts are gifts, and what I do with my life is up to me. I no longer suffer from anxiety, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, etc. (ascension symptoms). "Negative" energies no longer affect me in a negative way. I can shield them "naturally" on my own. I can usually tell the difference between my "stuff" and someone else's. I am very aware of myself and other people/things, and am now very protective of my energy and space. My gifts have grown tremendously, and yet I have not even scratched the surface of what I can do. As I grow, they grow. I am never given any more than I can handle. And it is up to me to "own" my own crap, use it to grow even more, and hopefully help others along the way. The difference is now I am able to help others without it being a detriment to my own well-being. I recognize those who want help, and those who use it as an excuse to continue to be a victim. I don't have patience for those who wish to play a game. It is not up to me to save the world. It is up to me to help those who are ready. I am of no use to anyone else, if I don't take care of me first! This is not selfish, this is necessary for all of us to grow and help others.My awakening has happened quite fast compared to some. It is like I am expediting through the process, but I can handle the transition. I welcome all changes that come my way and greet them positively! I am not sure what quite "caused" it to occur, other than it was just time for me. I do believe that many of us have to hit "rock" bottom or bottom out before we can start to climb up on our own. I do attribute the neurofeedback as the first thing I can pinpoint as a turning point for me. I am not so sure that the other things would have followed (or as soon at least) if I had not done the neurofeedback. Honestly, I probably would have killed myself (accidentally) with alcohol. I was on the fast track to that, in super self-sabotage mode, without realizing it. Actually, I didn't realize anything I was going through as what it really was. Hopefully I do now. I have learned that much or most of the time we don't understand things until later, if ever. My hopes and expectations are that I understand "before" now, by "listening", "feeling" and "paying attention" to the signs and information I get. I know this may sound "cryptic" but explaining is going to be difficult with words. I understand it internally, and am trying to put it to words so that others may understand it to. Remember, at all times we are responsible for ourselves, and we always have free-will. We may be pre-destined, but how we get there is subject to our own free-will. My ultimate goal is to help others. I have learned that I could not help another with the condition I was in at the time. Yes, I could write about my pain and problems. Many can identify with that. We all "operate" at lower vibrations when we are experiencing pain & anguish, negative energies, etc and by doing so, operate in "victim" and/or "savior" mode without even realizing it. I was SO in both modes, which is why I think it was so hard for me to see it. I NEVER would have labeled myself a victim. I was too strong, to damn stubborn to be a victim. I was a survivor. I had survived some of the worst things possible in this physical-body life! What I didn't realize was that I was "operating" in that mode, subconsciously. I also had the need to save everyone. So I had become the perfect enabler. By doing so, I also became the victim, because I kept getting used and betrayed by everyone I entrusted to me to try to help, but what I didn't realize is that I was continually attracting that kind of energy by the energy I was transmitting. I (with a capital I) searched out everyone that needed saving and volunteered myself, usually to my own detriment, to save them. Then I got angry, when they betrayed me or failed at getting better. Many betrayed me (not really, but that is the way I saw it), because they were so messed up and it was NOT my responsibility to save them. They didn't want saving. They wanted someone to "abuse" with their narcissistic behaviors... and I was perfect for that. It was a vicious cycle. I looked at their failure as my own, and I wasn't angry with them, but myself for failing. I set the entire situation in motion when I swooped in to "save" them to start with! Boy was that a hard one to realize and break! Now, on the more drastic things. I didn't realize that being a work-a-holic was a type of addiction. When I got laid off, I switched addictions. I smoked, I drank and to the extreme, without control. Sad to say, it controlled me. I had never been a drinker or smoker, long term. I had "bouts" here and there. I could look back and see that when I went through a dramatic break-up, even though I was happy about the break-up, I turned to both to get through it. Then I lost my job, ended another marriage, and again started with the smoking and started drinking here and there. But then something happened that I had never experienced. I do believe that my "abilities" exacerbated things, as I saw that they were "magnified" when I was drinking. Duhh, I was wide-open with no defenses! I smoked and drank worse as a reaction to those abilities, which alcohol intensifies. When I drank I smoked more. As the gifts intensified, the more I drank to escape (not realizing I was causing that problem too!). Another vicious cycle. There were many occasions where I would drink until I was unconscious. I fell, broke my nose, busted my face really bad one time. I got a couple concussions other different times. I was always waking up with busted body parts and no idea how those things happened. It was truly sad, but I had to experience that to learn from it and grow. I literally wondered many times how I had not killed myself from alcohol poisoning, as I had drank soooooooooo much the night before that a normal person would not have survived that. I still don't know how to this day, other than being protected by my guides and it not being my time to go, that I am still here. I am lucky and thankful for that! (Later I will go into the role that unconditional love of another for me played in my growth processes). One day I woke up and couldn't stand the smell of cigarettes anymore. I just put them down, with no desire to ever smoke again. Not long after, one day I went from drinking to not being able to stand the smell or taste of alcohol and never drinking again. Completely confused, I was thankful, but bewildered. Now my journey (where I could remember it!) began for good. Before that it was a roller-coaster. But because it needed to be. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Furthermore (which I will go into more detail later), I chose this life. So I can't be mad at anyone about what I have experienced. I realize there is no "blame", no shame, no guilt, nothing. I chose every awful experience, because I was to learn from it. As I continued to repeat patterns, I kept getting them again. All of the bitching I did (sorry about the language, but that is exactly what it was).... I wondered every day why I kept finding losers or people who would betray me, take advantage of my good will.... when all along, it was me. I met some great people, but they served their purpose in my "lessons to learn". They were not ready to learn theirs yet, so I had to end the relationship. I have learned that just because someone is not ready to learn their lesson, it is not my responsibility. It just is not time for them. That is out of my control. I can do my part, give them the tools to learn, but I can't force it down their throat. For some, I just have to walk away, as they are not even open to learning to start with. For those who are, I will do what I can, then let go. I will learn what I am to learn though. As I "stop" making the same mistakes repeatedly and learn from them, then I stop being presented with those same scenarios. I move on to the next "lesson" :) If I don't learn, I get it repeatedly to deal with, until I learn and no longer need to be taught that lesson. Now, I will explain more, but it is going to take me some time, as there is an exorbitant amount of information to write. I will do so in stages, and try not to beat a dead horse or ramble too much! See you next time!
Oh yeah, another cool thing... there is no more fear!
First appointment with neurofeedback today. I went with open mind, didn't take my anxiety meds, and did my normal day up to then, one cup of coffee (since that makes my anxiety worse, something I have to deal with, although I have cut out most coffee because of that). Usually I have to take anxiety meds just to leave my place & go out in public, drive, whatever. I expected, and was ready, to take my anxiety meds after, while having to drive and to get back home, etc. Weird though. I was able to go to the appointment, do the "session" and I left, had anxiety, but didn't feel unbalanced & out of control as I usually do. So I decided to wait a bit, and see how I did and what triggers I felt, and so on. I went by and visited my boyfriend at work for a bit, grabbed some food, then stopped by K-Mart on way home, partially to avoid 5pm traffic hour. In the parking lot, I had my first "panic attack", when a woman was having some major issue & I picked up on it... I felt she was dramatizing, which made me reserved, so I waited in my car & "shook it off". She was "ok", which was in question, but I already knew that, just had to wait and make sure, because why would a woman act like that with two impressionable children with her? Same reason many selfish people do, for attention. Now I am glad I followed my intuition and kept my distance. I still went inside the store, which normally, I would not have been able to do. A panic attack for me rules me & takes over. I walked the store with a buggy & looked at tons of stuff, while traffic rush hour traffic went on outside, without me. I had a couple episodes inside the store, but each time was able to deal with each anxiety issue on my own, without meds, and get through it. I've not been able to do this in years. I walked past alcohol, with no desire, which normally, I am so "over the top" with my anxiety and being overwhelmed, that I would want to "numb" and make it go away. I have not had a cigarette in two days, only one then, and even though I wanted one, I have been able to get past that too. I arrived home like between 7-8 p.m. and actually felt the most "balanced" that I have in umpteen years. My anxiety controls me. Today, I controlled it, with success, for the first time in forever. I made another appointment for Monday morning, after morning rush traffic, then I have a dental appointment. I have a "social" meeting to attend with "people" out in public on Sunday, so this is all going to be a huge test for me. But if I can stay strong & in control like this, I am soooo on my way to accomplishing something that I have not been able to do myself, and overcoming issues that have plagued me for years and years. This is my first step towards a healthy life again. The possibilities if this works for me are endless..... so keep you posted on my progress!
On another note, it is no fun watching TV programs or movies anymore, as I know everything before it happens.... I was watching TV with my sweet boyfriend the other night & kept saying in advance how everything was going to go, and remember making the comment at the end "I bet you hate watching stuff with me lately, because I keep saying everything out loud before it happens". He was sweet enough not to agree. Tonight I watched several shows & did that through every one of them, and realized that it was boring, because it took all of the fun out of the show, knowing everything in advance. So, now I need something more fun & creative to stimulate my minds. Usually I watch stuff that I have to figure out, that stretches my brain, but even that is not a challenge anymore....
In addition, this week I have been hypersensitive to sound, light, smells, everything. I have had migraines again for the first time in a year. My senses are way over the top, which has caused me to withdraw even more. I have been in hyper-drive, working on websites and doing technological stuff, and it has made it worse apparently. But, even today, after my session, even though those things are a nuisance, they are tolerable. Wow, am I impressed and pleased. :) If I keep progressing, I will be posting a link to this guy for those in this area who can benefit from his help!
Well, it has taken me months of watching "Psychic Kids", and other shows and dealing one-on-one with those who help in the area of fears & energies to figure out that my biggest problem is me. Now that I have known that for a bit, understanding & overcoming are two different things. I understand that my anxiety comes from something from when I was a child, but is also fed and made worse by fear. My fears make my anxieties worse. So facing my fears then I should be able to decrease my anxieties. Right? Right, but easier said than done. I have started "journaling" and watching many different things, what affects me in what ways, and how I react, when my anxiety is worse and what is causing it, for the reason of dealing with those fears to overcome that anxiety. I AM making progress, although slow at times, yet still progress, and sometimes I "fall" backwards, but know that I am still moving in a forward motion. Hey, those things we let run our lives need to go! I am realizing more and more that I do have more control than I thought and by watching others reactions, fears, etc, it helps me learn about myself and my own issues. Fun, huh? lol Necessary, most definitely! Am I strong enough, dang right! Is it going to be easy, nope, but can I do it? Yep, without a doubt! :)
Last night while hanging with other psychic and empathic friends, the negatives I have "rid" myself of "attacked" all of us here. Thank goodness for a very psychic and great friend, because when it happened, I spoke out about the mental and physical "thing" I was experienced, which became extremely bad for me. The woman next to me at the same moment said, almost in unison, that she too was experiencing "something" awful, and our other friend immediately knew we were being attacked. We all knew by who, as the "little group of people" who were doing it had attacked her here just a bit earlier and she had to deal with them. So, it took all three of us to jump in and use several techniques that we had recently learned in order to shield and put a stop to what they were doing to us. Thanks to her strong guides, they also jumped in, because in order to protect her, they had to protect us. Yay, that we were all together when it happened, and yay that we were strong enough together with all of our gifts to deal with that situation. Alone, I would not have known what was going on with me, and possibly would have had an impossible time dealing with it. Not only did we overcome, but we were able to clear the negative energy that they had left behind, which allowed them to re-enter and attack. Now that their bad energy is gone, I am taking precautions to avoid that from being able to happen again. If it does, I will be better prepared and know how to handle that type of situation on my own.
I have really learned to appreciate my boyfriend. We have been through so much together, and one of those things was him not being accepting of my gifts for the 1st part of our relationship. We had to separate for a bit, to both realize how important we were to each other, and what was important as far as we were concerned. Things are much different now, this time around. The first thing that brought us back together was when I felt his heart open up, finally, instead of being closed off. He is so very different. He also accepts me and my gifts and tries so hard to support me, learn about what I am going through, and that is very important to someone like us with these things. Every day is different. We never know when something is going to "kick" in. There is no switch to turn anything on or off. It is always there, but some days are worse than others (or better).
Some days I am so extremely empathic, some times I am experience psychic abilities (many different ones, not just one), and to learn to deal with this and control how I deal with it has become a daily struggle for me. I love knowing why I am so different know, and why I always have been, but I still am learning about myself and my gifts, as are others around me, and having a support system of others like me is so very important. I have found that going into a public situation for me is virtually impossible most of the time. Having others like me to go to things together is awesome. There is safety and validation at the same time. Not to say that I don't still have issues dealing with things on my way or once I am there, but it is so much easier to deal with when others like me are there to share in similar experiences. It is also so very cool to hear someone else's experiences and outlook on a situation. I have had many negative experiences, especially if I go somewhere where there is a lot of people, because there is always going to be negatives there. I have learned not to intentionally put myself in those situations, and to not attend anything that might put me over the edge. Surrounding myself with other positives helps so much, as the energy around me is more positive, helping me not focus as much on the negative energy that I feel. I have also learned to listen to my intuition, guides, whatever it is. I tend to manifest negative energy into physical conditions. If the negativity is really close in proximity, or huge in numbers, I will have an anxiety attack and get sick on my stomach, sometimes to the point of debilitation. I have felt this prior to an event, causing me to avoid that event, by listening to my intuition/guides and physical symptoms. Sometimes I just feel the negativity and know what is coming. Sometimes I have to have an episode before I understand it. Learning how I react both before and during this type situation, helps me see how to better deal with it in the future and also strive to find new techniques to deal with these type energies.
The atmospheric energy for the last few months has been so overwhelming. Some days are fine, others are way too much. I have found, by accident, that reversing my days and nights, by sleeping during the day and staying up at night has helped me tremendously. On the occasion I have had to go back to a normal person's schedule of daytime activity and trying to sleep at night, that I don't do nearly as well at all. I found that the energy during the day, especially during the work-week when the energy is highest, that I have to sleep through. At night the energy levels are lower, while people sleep, traffic is nil, then I am at peace, calmer, my anxiety is lower and I can actually accomplish things with a clearer head. I tested this by reversing my days/nights several different times over the last few weeks. Every time I am up during the day, I still have a hard time sleeping at night, but the days are way too overwhelming for me. Even stepping outside on my patio is too much. I have to come right back inside and I have to take more anxiety medicine to function. When I sleep through the energy, I awake feeling so much better. This does pose a problem though as I can't live my life this way, unless I go to working a night job (being around people is still an issue). I always wondered why I was like this, a night person. Now I know. This is a trait that is common amongst people like us with gifts or who are sensitives.
So, now that I have that little tidbit figured out, I have to figure out how to function in this world. So now that is another thing for me to deal with. lol But, I am happy to figure this out about myself, as it's been rough not knowing what was wrong with me in that area.
I have also found that if I have to go to the store, for instance, if I go with someone that is positive and distracts me, I don't tend to have as many problems in places like that. I am able to shield better, rather than if I go in the daytime by myself. That is a disaster in itself. Going at night and with someone else, sure helps out so very much.
So, yes, I have come so far with my gifts. But, no I still have to figure so much out. Everyday is a new learning experience and sometimes it takes me days/weeks/months of trial and error to be able to look back and see what is going on with me and what I have to do to change or correct the problem. Do I always know the answer? No way, but I do like being able to understand, even if I still have to work towards the goal of finding the answer.
My hibernation is at an all-time high this month for some reason. Along with my anxiety. I figure both go hand in hand somehow.
I know many suffer from the same instabilities. I can't handle electronics, computer, emails, phones, people, anything. I withdraw from all to the extreme. I have been applying for jobs, but fear any calls for them, because I don't know how I will deal with them, but know I have to, somehow.
So lets talk about Narcissists, as they tend to thrive on Empaths, along with others, but I feel most of us have encountered this problem individually on a continual basis. They are the one that come across as caring, great, fun-loving individuals. Me, I can name 2 I have encountered that were out for their own good, and disguising it as good intentions, but are completely evil on a different level. They come across as kind people, with great personalities, with your intentions and friends first... then later we see (if we are lucky) their true intentions, which is to gain control, to manipulate, completely self-serving... it is all a mind game... and very draining. They suck you of your energy, and getting them to go away is virtually (but not completely) impossible. So what do we do?
We learn to understand that we are stronger than their imposed negativity, that comes across as many other things. We rid ourselves of that negative energy, regardless of how hard it is. Easier said than done, but very possible.
Some people tend to work their way in until they "control" you... disguising it as them doing good, that they have been there for you, helped you, care about you, which is bull... the only person they care about is themselves. If you are lucky you will figure it out before too much damage has been done, or separating yourself from the negativity becomes a problem. As with everything in our lives, we have to draw upon whatever we find strength in to get us through those things. Others just love drama. The more crap they throw out, the happier they are. This too takes the same kind of strength to overcome, but again, it can be done.
I am sooo thankful to those who are genuine, have strong gifts, and are there to help me through many of these rough times. I have found that there are some very great people out there, that truly want to help as much as I do. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart!