Wow, do I have a lot to blog to catch up! Talk about things that happen for a reason. First, let me state that my entire life has done a complete 180/360 since I last posted.  I am not even the same person as I was then, not even close!

I had intended on taking this blog down, as I am not in the same place as before, and I had gotten so far behind.  Then, out of the blue, I get a "weekly" blog report where someone posted a reply on this blog.  What is so "funny" is that I took this blog down a couple months ago, and the "subject" that they replied to is gone! Now, how's that for synchronicity?  

Sooooo, I will do my best to "start" the catching up, the day before I have to go offline for 10 days!  I promise to get this caught up soon, but I have been through so many WONDERFUL changes, it is definitely going to take awhile to do so!

Everything I described as a "problem" before in my blog posts, are no longer a problem.  I see and understand so much now, and the lower vibrational issues are no longer an issue, because I am no longer there.  I am so stubborn and hard-headed, those who watched me "suffer" through my issues over the last year or more who were more enlightened, didn't bother to tell me what my problems were! (I will explain the reason later.)  First, I would not have listened! I could not even have attempted to comprehend at that time.  What I experience now, is not something you can explain easily and furthermore, one must experience it themself, which is why we have these processes.  Even as I type, I find it hard to explain, but I will try.  Please understand that nothing I say in here is judgmental of anyone else, this is truly about what I have experienced and learned.  BUT, so many will identify with it, it may trigger MANY emotions as you read this.  The first is usually anger or to call me crazy. So be it.  Those who are ready, will keep reading, and those who are not, will stop along the way as they "react" to what I write.  For those who keep reading because they do want to understand and learn, I will do my best!

There is a phenomenal website that covers possibly everything I am going to discuss on here.  The reason I love that website, is because it is the first website I have found that covers everything to do with about every topic spiritually, especially the awakening process/signs, which I totally did not understand until recently.  Until I can get the hyperlink to work here, I will just have to post the website url for you to copy & paste yourself.

I had far greater issues and problems than I listed on here.  Some because I was not proud of them, and they were bigger than me at the time.  Now those who know me, know that I am a tough, strong-willed individual.  I am a huge tom-boy with a big feminine side.  I am very analytical and had a crazy wild side.  My gifts are gifts, and what I do with my life is up to me.  

I no longer suffer from anxiety, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, etc. (ascension symptoms).    "Negative" energies no longer affect me in a negative way.  I can shield them "naturally" on my own.  I can usually tell the difference between my "stuff" and someone else's.  I am very aware of myself and other people/things, and am now very protective of my energy and space.  My gifts have grown tremendously, and yet I have not even scratched the surface of what I can do.  As I grow, they grow.  I am never given any more than I can handle.  And it is up to me to "own" my own crap, use it to grow even more, and hopefully help others along the way.  The difference is now I am able to help others without it being a detriment to my own well-being.  I recognize those who want help, and those who use it as an excuse to continue to be a victim.  I don't have patience for those who wish to play a game.  It is not up to me to save the world.  It is up to me to help those who are ready.  I am of no use to anyone else, if I don't take care of me first!  This is not selfish, this is necessary for all of us to grow and help others.

My awakening has happened quite fast compared to some.  It is like I am expediting through the process, but I can handle the transition.  I welcome all changes that come my way and greet them positively!  I am not sure what quite "caused" it to occur, other than it was just time for me.  I do believe that many of us have to hit "rock" bottom or bottom out before we can start to climb up on our own.  I do attribute the neurofeedback as the first thing I can pinpoint as a turning point for me.  I am not so sure that the other things would have followed (or as soon at least) if I had not done the neurofeedback.  Honestly, I probably would have killed myself (accidentally) with alcohol.  I was on the fast track to that, in super self-sabotage mode, without realizing it.  Actually, I didn't realize anything I was going through as what it really was.  Hopefully I do now.  I have learned that much or most of the time we don't understand things until later, if ever.  My hopes and expectations are that I understand "before" now, by "listening", "feeling" and "paying attention" to the signs and information I get.  I know this may sound "cryptic" but explaining is going to be difficult with words. I understand it internally, and am trying to put it to words so that others may understand it to.  Remember, at all times we are responsible for ourselves, and we always have free-will.  We may be pre-destined, but how we get there is subject to our own free-will.  

My ultimate goal is to help others.  I have learned that I could not help another with the condition I was in at the time.  Yes, I could write about my pain and problems.  Many can identify with that.  We all "operate" at lower vibrations when we are experiencing pain & anguish, negative energies, etc and by doing so, operate in "victim" and/or "savior" mode without even realizing it.  I was SO in both modes, which is why I think it was so hard for me to see it.  I NEVER would have labeled myself a victim.  I was too strong, to damn stubborn to be a victim.  I was a survivor.  I had survived some of the worst things possible in this physical-body life! What I didn't realize was that I was "operating" in that mode, subconsciously.  I also had the need to save everyone.  So I had become the perfect enabler.  By doing so, I also became the victim, because I kept getting used and betrayed by everyone I entrusted to me to try to help, but what I didn't realize is that I was continually attracting that kind of energy by the energy I was transmitting.  I (with a capital I) searched out everyone that needed saving and volunteered myself, usually to my own detriment, to save them.  Then I got angry, when they betrayed me or failed at getting better.  Many betrayed me (not really, but that is the way I saw it), because they were so messed up and it was NOT my responsibility to save them.  They didn't want saving. They wanted someone to "abuse" with their narcissistic behaviors... and I was perfect for that.  It was a vicious cycle.  I looked at their failure as my own, and I wasn't angry with them, but myself for failing.  I set the entire situation in motion when I swooped in to "save" them to start with!  Boy was that a hard one to realize and break! 

Now, on the more drastic things.  I didn't realize that being a work-a-holic was a type of addiction.  When I got laid off, I switched addictions.  I smoked, I drank and to the extreme, without control.  Sad to say, it controlled me.  I had never been a drinker or smoker, long term.  I had "bouts" here and there.  I could look back and see that when I went through a dramatic break-up, even though I was happy about the break-up, I turned to both to get through it.  Then I lost my job, ended another marriage, and again started with the smoking and started drinking here and there.  But then something happened that I had never experienced.  I do believe that my "abilities" exacerbated things, as I saw that they were "magnified" when I was drinking.  Duhh, I was wide-open with no defenses!  I smoked and drank worse as a reaction to those abilities, which alcohol intensifies.  When I drank I smoked more.  As the gifts intensified, the more I drank to escape (not realizing I was causing that problem too!).  Another vicious cycle.  There were many occasions where I would drink until I was unconscious.  I fell, broke my nose, busted my face really bad one time.  I got a couple concussions other different times.  I was always waking up with busted body parts and no idea how those things happened.  It was truly sad, but I had to experience that to learn from it and grow.  I literally wondered many times how I had not killed myself from alcohol poisoning, as I had drank soooooooooo much the night before that a normal person would not have survived that.  I still don't know how to this day, other than being protected by my guides and it not being my time to go, that I am still here. I am lucky and thankful for that! (Later I will go into the role that unconditional love of another for me played in my growth processes). 

One day I woke up and couldn't stand the smell of cigarettes anymore.  I just put them down, with no desire to ever smoke again.  Not long after, one day I went from drinking to not being able to stand the smell or taste of alcohol and never drinking again.  Completely confused, I was thankful, but bewildered.  Now my journey (where I could remember it!) began for good.  Before that it was a roller-coaster.  But because it needed to be.  Everything that happens, happens for a reason.  Furthermore (which I will go into more detail later), I chose this life.  So I can't be mad at anyone about what I have experienced.  I realize there is no "blame", no shame, no guilt, nothing.  I chose every awful experience, because I was to learn from it.  As I continued to repeat patterns, I kept getting them again. All of the bitching I did (sorry about the language, but that is exactly what it was).... I wondered every day why I kept finding losers or people who would betray me, take advantage of my good will.... when all along, it was me. I met some great people, but they served their purpose in my "lessons to learn".  They were not ready to learn theirs yet, so I had to end the relationship.  I have learned that just because someone is not ready to learn their lesson, it is not my responsibility.  It just is not time for them.  That is out of my control.  I can do my part, give them the tools to learn, but I can't force it down their throat.  For some, I just have to walk away, as they are not even open to learning to start with.  For those who are, I will do what I can, then let go.  I will learn what I am to learn though.  As I "stop" making the same mistakes repeatedly and learn from them, then I stop being presented with those same scenarios.  I move on to the next "lesson" :) If I don't learn, I get it repeatedly to deal with, until I learn and no longer need to be taught that lesson.  

Now, I will explain more, but it is going to take me some time, as there is an exorbitant amount of information to write.  I will do so in stages, and try not to beat a dead horse or ramble too much! See you next time!

Oh yeah, another cool thing... there is no more fear! 

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