First appointment with neurofeedback today. I went with open mind, didn't take my anxiety meds, and did my normal day up to then, one cup of coffee (since that makes my anxiety worse, something I have to deal with, although I have cut out most coffee because of that). Usually I have to take anxiety meds just to leave my place & go out in public, drive, whatever. I expected, and was ready, to take my anxiety meds after, while having to drive and to get back home, etc. Weird though. I was able to go to the appointment, do the "session" and I left, had anxiety, but didn't feel unbalanced & out of control as I usually do. So I decided to wait a bit, and see how I did and what triggers I felt, and so on. I went by and visited my boyfriend at work for a bit, grabbed some food, then stopped by K-Mart on way home, partially to avoid 5pm traffic hour. In the parking lot, I had my first "panic attack", when a woman was having some major issue & I picked up on it... I felt she was dramatizing, which made me reserved, so I waited in my car & "shook it off". She was "ok", which was in question, but I already knew that, just had to wait and make sure, because why would a woman act like that with two impressionable children with her? Same reason many selfish people do, for attention. Now I am glad I followed my intuition and kept my distance. I still went inside the store, which normally, I would not have been able to do. A panic attack for me rules me & takes over. I walked the store with a buggy & looked at tons of stuff, while traffic rush hour traffic went on outside, without me. I had a couple episodes inside the store, but each time was able to deal with each anxiety issue on my own, without meds, and get through it. I've not been able to do this in years. I walked past alcohol, with no desire, which normally, I am so "over the top" with my anxiety and being overwhelmed, that I would want to "numb" and make it go away. I have not had a cigarette in two days, only one then, and even though I wanted one, I have been able to get past that too. I arrived home like between 7-8 p.m. and actually felt the most "balanced" that I have in umpteen years. My anxiety controls me. Today, I controlled it, with success, for the first time in forever. I made another appointment for Monday morning, after morning rush traffic, then I have a dental appointment. I have a "social" meeting to attend with "people" out in public on Sunday, so this is all going to be a huge test for me. But if I can stay strong & in control like this, I am soooo on my way to accomplishing something that I have not been able to do myself, and overcoming issues that have plagued me for years and years. This is my first step towards a healthy life again. The possibilities if this works for me are endless..... so keep you posted on my progress!
On another note, it is no fun watching TV programs or movies anymore, as I know everything before it happens.... I was watching TV with my sweet boyfriend the other night & kept saying in advance how everything was going to go, and remember making the comment at the end "I bet you hate watching stuff with me lately, because I keep saying everything out loud before it happens". He was sweet enough not to agree. Tonight I watched several shows & did that through every one of them, and realized that it was boring, because it took all of the fun out of the show, knowing everything in advance. So, now I need something more fun & creative to stimulate my minds. Usually I watch stuff that I have to figure out, that stretches my brain, but even that is not a challenge anymore....
In addition, this week I have been hypersensitive to sound, light, smells, everything. I have had migraines again for the first time in a year. My senses are way over the top, which has caused me to withdraw even more. I have been in hyper-drive, working on websites and doing technological stuff, and it has made it worse apparently. But, even today, after my session, even though those things are a nuisance, they are tolerable. Wow, am I impressed and pleased. :) If I keep progressing, I will be posting a link to this guy for those in this area who can benefit from his help!
My energy over the last few weeks has been SO upside down. One minute I am normal, next minute I am "whacko", then round and round I go, up then down.... Keep this up and maybe I will get used to it! One upside, right? Actually, that is kind of true. The more I have to experience this, the more I learn, the more I hope to get a handle on it. Some days I think I have it kicked. Then within an hour I am going whacko. So, I have learned not to take the good for granted anymore that all is good, and be prepared, be stronger and pay attention, so that I can establish a cycle for myself, triggers and overcome them better with each experience.
I have done much better with negative energy and even groups of many energies. Normally, both would cause me major issues, but I am doing baby steps and making some progress it seems. Either that or I am just severely mis-guided. lol No really, a large group of mixed energies would wear me out for days. Negatives would drain me for days. Outside energy, same. But just in the last few weeks, even with me being in "energy" turmoil, I can see a difference. Yes, some days I have an awful time with it. But on a whole, I am dealing somewhat better. What used to take 5-6 days to recoup, is down to a day or two, depending. Last week I was busy with multiple energy issues (i.e. groups, meetings, appointments, outside/daytime energy, etc) and I bounced back so much better than I have in the past! Yay, progress (positive thoughts for sure)! And no matter what was thrown at me, I overcame it with much more ease and less stress. I have to say that I really think taking the Reiki classes have really made a huge difference, even subconsciously, how I deal with things. I also have come to the point of realizing that my "stuff" is coming up, and it is time to deal with it all... my past, my issues, who knows what all is there. But, I feel so positive about the progress I have made and know I can overcome and deal with it.
My entire outlook has changed. I don't feel the triggers emotionally that I did, even as recent as a couple weeks ago. I have learned to trust my intuition, the signs of pre-cognition, and to let go of the negative things in my past that I am conscious of. The blame for others and the self blame have to be forgiven and let go before we can grow and move on.
Boy, I was on a writing kick last night, obviously. I need to learn not to write after I take my sleeping meds and am waiting to pass out. I was just writing & writing, about anything & everything that flowed out my fingers. Oh well, even though it's not perfect, I will leave it, and now you have seen barely a teeny-tiny eeny-weeny itty-bitty part of my early life. That doesn't even touch on things, but hey, it's enough right now, right?
I know I have a long way to go, but I am evolving, growing, learning. My mechanism for dealing with people who said hateful, hurtful things was to get upset, write them off, be done with them. Lately, I have been working on myself, dealing with past relationships, working to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, and learning to say I am sorry for the part that I played in hurtful situations, no matter how warranted my actions might have been...
Tonight I realized that in my efforts to apologize, forgive, move on, that not everyone is accepting of my good will. No matter if I am in a place of forgiveness, that they are not and it is their ignorance and own self-hatred that keeps them in that unhappy place. So all I can do is what I can do on my end, is forgive and take responsibility for my actions and then just close that door and move on. I do not have to associate with such people, that drama, that negative energy in my life. I can move on in a good place, and leave it all behind. I can work to repair myself, and what past is repairable, then the rest, just do my best in the most positive way and keep going on my journey. I am my responsibility. I am accountable for my actions. Am I perfect? No way. Am I a good person? Damn right. Am I smart enough to know the difference? Sure am!
My entire life, I have dealt with abuse, every way, shape & form. I was molested for many years, beaten worse than any person should ever suffer, but am learning that the mental abuse is soooo much worse, harder to realize, harder to find an answer, and so much harder to get away from and then to overcome the damage done, wow.... that is a whole different story.
I thought that I had come through all of that, and by opening up, talking about it, journaling my thoughts, and trying to change what kept me repeating my adult relationships and ending back in an abusive situation. Get strong, big walls, "I am tough" and by dealing with it and toughening up in order to function, I did and kept going strong.
I left home at 15 years old (my 3rd time leaving) due to living at home in an abusive home (every way possible). I had been working odd jobs since I was 13 years old. I did inventory for a Parts Store at 13years old. Then 14-15 yrs old I took a babysitting job for a family of 2 beautiful boys. I became family, and they became mine. I kept those children & integrated into that family for 2 years. Those kids were like my own. But looking at paying rent & needing to survive, I could not live on the $40/week I got for taking care of the kids, and I spent every bit of it on gas driving them around! So I went to high school, took all advanced classes, and by end of my 11th grade year, I only needed like 1-1.5 credits to graduate. I went to summer school to accelerate my credits, so that I could enter the DCT (work training program) my entire 12th grade year. Because I took those extra credits, I did not even have to show up at school my entire 12th grade year, and I got grades for my work. I got straight "A's", moved out and got an apartment at 15, to escape my abusive home, and to add one better, my abusive, obsessed, dangerous boyfriend of 2 years. Yeah, I had it all directions. I was like a ping pong ball being beat to hell and back.
The next year, wow, I moved like 8 times, hopping from place to place, as I had no where to go.... initially I started out paying a 1/3 of the bills in a cool apartment with my best friend and her mom. The adventures I had while living there were some of the best in my life. I met the first man that I would fall in love with, intensely, unconditionally and forever. He taught me, showed me what a good relationship could be, treated me like a queen and he loved me, no matter what. But it was not meant to be, as I was too young, and he was so "free-spirited" and I was scared to give up my stability of a girl, on her own, 17 years old, working 2 jobs, singing in a band.... to just run off for love.. yes I wanted to run, I'd go anywhere with him, but my logical side said, "no, keep your feet on the ground".... so I had to stand there crying while I watched him walk away, heart broken. We both were crying.... every moment with him is embedded in my memory and most special.
After he left, I started dating, as before him it was all abusive relationships. I was still working several jobs & singing with the band, home hopping to keep a roof over my head, and I had to show up to my graduation and had not been physically to the school in over a year. I was lucky enough to have an awesome, gorgeous guy take me to my graduation, both all decked out, we were the bomb! All of my relationships after "my first love" were short lived, as they were all dysfunctional in some way. I didn't know what I wanted, and I was lost as a person, never having a place to live for long, running from my abusive "non-dad" (that's what I call the man they say is my father, who I since have found out is not, but no one will/can tell me who is, so I call him non). Sad to say, but the best thing that ever happened to me was his death. There was no way to keep my sanity, while continually being subjected to his alcoholic rantings, either chasing me down to try to make me go back home (in bed) with him, or standing at the door with a shotgun threatening to blow my brains out, showing up at my job yelling in his drunken stupor that he was gonna take me home to sleep with him. One time he found me walking to my sisters and chased me down the street in his truck. I was barefoot and jumped a ditch and ran up between two buildings to hide. He was so drunk he crashed into the ditch. I had to stay hidden on the ground, behind a building for 4-5 hours, until they got him out of there and I could safely come out. So yes, next relationship, was abusive. Then I got pregnant. I then realized it wasn't about me anymore. My child had to come first and be raised properly, giving him as much as I could, and never let him suffer emotionally, to the best of my ability. Things were definitely rough, but he was a beautiful child that was so special and worth doing without, dealing with crap to get him to where I needed him to be. I had seen totally dysfunctional and was going to prote