Wow, what a rough week, energy-wise. I have worked so hard to control the energy affecting me, with great success up until this last week. And boy, what a doozy!
Up until last week, I had been able to "reverse" my days and nights, so that I could be awake when the energy levels were lower and sleeping during the day when the energy levels were at the highest. But, in a huge effort to TRY and find a job, I had interviews scheduled both in the early morning and afternoon, driving in traffic for 30-45 minutes one way, every day, and also working on fixing computers with massive viruses, and few other appointments, kept me going every day, all day, and sometimes into the evening. Then on Friday, as I am driving home, wondering why I am "freaking" out so badly, I look up and low and behold, a friggin full moon. So, not only did I have daytime energy to deal with, but a full moon to boot. See I have like a five day time around a full moon that my energy goes whacky. Usually I find it is a couple days before, the day of, and a couple days after. I never know when a full moon is in advance, but never fails, every dang month.
Luckily it was an experience I needed to go through in order to figure out how to change. I need to learn a better way to deal with day-time energies. I really want to find a job, evening hours would be awesome, but I've done day shift for years, so I can do that again if I need. I just want to find something I like and can be happy doing with a good company & working atmosphere.
I am finding that people are not what they seem. Even for an empath, some are really really good at what they do. I have met many with gifts that abuse those gifts to do harm to others either intentionally or unintentionally. Narcissists, emotional vampires, they pray on those of us that are truly out there to help others. I am using more caution these days with people. I am not letting many close, as I have found it just drains me too much and causes more problems than good. Sad to say. I tend to just do better on my own, majority of the time. There are a couple that have been good along the way. And my boyfriend is the best. This is the first relationship in my life that gets better as we are together. All of my relationships prior continually diminished over time, whereas this one is healthy and I am happier with him. I used to hate to spend time with someone, as they drive me crazy. He can too, cuz that is just me, but he is a good man and it is not the same. People being around too much just tend to drive me crazy. I need my space, my down-time. Just the way I am. He and I always have fun together though and his positive energy distracts me from the negative energy around me when we are out and about. Granted, every once in awhile it's still a problem, but usually in large crowds/groups. I still try not to get out in day-time energy too early, and avoid heavy traffic times, busy stores, etc. But it is nice to know that he can still make me feel good in a place I would not be if I were with someone else or alone. That is a special trait and a very special man. :)
Wow, it's been over a month since I posted! Where to start...
Well I am learning alot, growing so much and overcoming things that I want to overcome in my everyday life. I have truly found that being positive and focusing in that direction brings positivity to our lives. Focusing on negatives, then that is what we get too. So, I would much rather live positive, than negative. And our outlook truly manifests in how we project!
I am still on a reversed schedule (night/day). I prefer that actually. But on the days that I have to be a "day" person, I am, I would just rather live in my night time world. I used to get punished as a child for being a night person. Mentally and physically. As an adult on this journey I have learned that it's just what I am and what works best for me. :)
I have been focusing on the positive, paying attention to people that come and go in my life and ridding myself of the drama and bullcrap. Life is not meant to be unhappy! Worrying just creates us additional problems, and is needless negative energy. Those that I deal with or come across who prefer to be negative, even the ones "great" at hiding their negative crap behind the intentions of doing good, don't need to be in my life. I am finally able to identify the narcissists, negatives, etc. and am so much stronger in how I deal with that.
My gifts are evolving again. I have gotten much stronger in many areas. I go to sleep every night with a meditation CD on continual repeat and sleep with headphones on. The cool things are what I experience because of this both during my sleep and during the day. My favorite is a "Chakras Healing Meditation CD" that I purchased a few months ago. It rocks! When I sleep with it going, I dream great things (I actually remember my dreams now!), astral travel, you name it. When I take them off, my dreams go the other direction and they are not as positive and I tend to have more nightmares. I have woken myself up talking and having full conversations in my sleep! I have noticed HUGE change in the last month since I started doing that.
I have found that for the first time, my relationship with my guy is the best ever. This is the first relationship that I have had that actually gets better with time rather than worse. That his huge in itself! I love him tremendously and he is so wonderful to me. I have come so far!
My focus now is still my group and a job that I am happy at and can pay my bills. Oh and first and foremost, me! To continue to focus on the positive and grow, grow, grow! I completely my Level 1 Reiki class, and got my certificate to practice Reiki. I plan on doing level 2 in the next few weeks and the master class within the next month or 2. Yay!
Life is not perfect, but it is what we make it!
Last night while hanging with other psychic and empathic friends, the negatives I have "rid" myself of "attacked" all of us here. Thank goodness for a very psychic and great friend, because when it happened, I spoke out about the mental and physical "thing" I was experienced, which became extremely bad for me. The woman next to me at the same moment said, almost in unison, that she too was experiencing "something" awful, and our other friend immediately knew we were being attacked. We all knew by who, as the "little group of people" who were doing it had attacked her here just a bit earlier and she had to deal with them. So, it took all three of us to jump in and use several techniques that we had recently learned in order to shield and put a stop to what they were doing to us. Thanks to her strong guides, they also jumped in, because in order to protect her, they had to protect us. Yay, that we were all together when it happened, and yay that we were strong enough together with all of our gifts to deal with that situation. Alone, I would not have known what was going on with me, and possibly would have had an impossible time dealing with it. Not only did we overcome, but we were able to clear the negative energy that they had left behind, which allowed them to re-enter and attack. Now that their bad energy is gone, I am taking precautions to avoid that from being able to happen again. If it does, I will be better prepared and know how to handle that type of situation on my own.
I have really learned to appreciate my boyfriend. We have been through so much together, and one of those things was him not being accepting of my gifts for the 1st part of our relationship. We had to separate for a bit, to both realize how important we were to each other, and what was important as far as we were concerned. Things are much different now, this time around. The first thing that brought us back together was when I felt his heart open up, finally, instead of being closed off. He is so very different. He also accepts me and my gifts and tries so hard to support me, learn about what I am going through, and that is very important to someone like us with these things. Every day is different. We never know when something is going to "kick" in. There is no switch to turn anything on or off. It is always there, but some days are worse than others (or better).
Some days I am so extremely empathic, some times I am experience psychic abilities (many different ones, not just one), and to learn to deal with this and control how I deal with it has become a daily struggle for me. I love knowing why I am so different know, and why I always have been, but I still am learning about myself and my gifts, as are others around me, and having a support system of others like me is so very important. I have found that going into a public situation for me is virtually impossible most of the time. Having others like me to go to things together is awesome. There is safety and validation at the same time. Not to say that I don't still have issues dealing with things on my way or once I am there, but it is so much easier to deal with when others like me are there to share in similar experiences. It is also so very cool to hear someone else's experiences and outlook on a situation. I have had many negative experiences, especially if I go somewhere where there is a lot of people, because there is always going to be negatives there. I have learned not to intentionally put myself in those situations, and to not attend anything that might put me over the edge. Surrounding myself with other positives helps so much, as the energy around me is more positive, helping me not focus as much on the negative energy that I feel. I have also learned to listen to my intuition, guides, whatever it is. I tend to manifest negative energy into physical conditions. If the negativity is really close in proximity, or huge in numbers, I will have an anxiety attack and get sick on my stomach, sometimes to the point of debilitation. I have felt this prior to an event, causing me to avoid that event, by listening to my intuition/guides and physical symptoms. Sometimes I just feel the negativity and know what is coming. Sometimes I have to have an episode before I understand it. Learning how I react both before and during this type situation, helps me see how to better deal with it in the future and also strive to find new techniques to deal with these type energies.
The atmospheric energy for the last few months has been so overwhelming. Some days are fine, others are way too much. I have found, by accident, that reversing my days and nights, by sleeping during the day and staying up at night has helped me tremendously. On the occasion I have had to go back to a normal person's schedule of daytime activity and trying to sleep at night, that I don't do nearly as well at all. I found that the energy during the day, especially during the work-week when the energy is highest, that I have to sleep through. At night the energy levels are lower, while people sleep, traffic is nil, then I am at peace, calmer, my anxiety is lower and I can actually accomplish things with a clearer head. I tested this by reversing my days/nights several different times over the last few weeks. Every time I am up during the day, I still have a hard time sleeping at night, but the days are way too overwhelming for me. Even stepping outside on my patio is too much. I have to come right back inside and I have to take more anxiety medicine to function. When I sleep through the energy, I awake feeling so much better. This does pose a problem though as I can't live my life this way, unless I go to working a night job (being around people is still an issue). I always wondered why I was like this, a night person. Now I know. This is a trait that is common amongst people like us with gifts or who are sensitives.
So, now that I have that little tidbit figured out, I have to figure out how to function in this world. So now that is another thing for me to deal with. lol But, I am happy to figure this out about myself, as it's been rough not knowing what was wrong with me in that area.
I have also found that if I have to go to the store, for instance, if I go with someone that is positive and distracts me, I don't tend to have as many problems in places like that. I am able to shield better, rather than if I go in the daytime by myself. That is a disaster in itself. Going at night and with someone else, sure helps out so very much.
So, yes, I have come so far with my gifts. But, no I still have to figure so much out. Everyday is a new learning experience and sometimes it takes me days/weeks/months of trial and error to be able to look back and see what is going on with me and what I have to do to change or correct the problem. Do I always know the answer? No way, but I do like being able to understand, even if I still have to work towards the goal of finding the answer.
What to say, but then, it all just kind of flows out on its own. Regardless of what I want others to see or read.... having these "gifts" that sometimes are VERY rough to deal with... and having to function in a "normal" world... doesn't seem possible many days. Only meant by saying that I am so different... one of a kind, for sure... sometimes that is great and sometimes it is so well, like we are never one of a kind, even tho we know we are different. For me, I am special, but we all sabotage ourselves, in so many ways.
I have fallen in love a couple/few times and it is usually instantly. But they are not the ones I end up with, normally, but yet with the ones I have "to save"... and those are the ones that are so bad for me, can hurt me, physically and emotionally, as we always end up with the one who reminds us of the ones in our life that hurt us the most (mother/father)... with the same traits, no matter how hard we try. And we do try, I "watched/studied" people, and knew what triggers, what made them tick, what they thought as they walked by in a mall or sat across from me in a crowded bar as I "people watched". Those I have loved, sometimes they knew it, sooner or later, but sometimes they didn't.. We all have the same traits, in many ways... we can see past the bull in people to "know" them, even if they don't know themselves, we do. We also can fall "out of love" as quickly, but are they ever gone? No is the answer. We always love them with all of our heart.
This will probably be my longest blog, being my first, I will probably write like tons, then, later, slack off, back down some, depending on the day.
I am not a day person, like most like us, but a night person. When the energy is lowest, and most area asleep, we are at our best, functionality-wise. People bring us pain, negativity, for the most part, until we learn to control it. For me, I have not. I am a severe introvert, on most days of the week, which is debilitating. Other days, with the right stimulation, I am an extreme extrovert. When I extend myself too much or are too extroverted, I have the need for severe downtime. I have a fear of the world. I am hyper-sensitive to smells, noises, light... yes I have ascension symptoms, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, you name it, I have it. Oh and severe anxiety, which controls me. I have done many things to overcome, yet, most times I am worse off daily than I was before. My boyfriend, he tries so hard to get me out into the world, and has come to finally accept my abilities, yet they still keep me hidden from the world, because the negativity is way too big for me at this point.
I took over a group for this stuff and have grown it from 17-79 in like 9 months. But still have problems dealing with the negatives. I am getting stronger, realizing my abilities, and can over come them. I know I am stronger that many, but still "retreat" to protect myself. My group has been a life-saver for me, from the very first time that I went to a meeting, to when I took over by default, and it turned into a "safe haven" for those of us alike in abilities. We are the only empath etc group within 100 miles. Yet, I still have to deal with those who mean harm or negativity to those in our group, that have the same or other abilities, but I am strong enough to do so.
I have been married multiple times, to the wrong men. All abusive, in some way shape or form. One a narcissist who can't accept responsibility for his own actions, has a personality disorder (borderline personalities), which carries over into my "real" life, with those in my group that possess the same qualities that I have to and will deal with.
As I type, I play music that touches my soul... many genres... Boom Boom Boom by the Black Eyed Peas... (which all of their songs rock, they are my favorite).... puts me in a happy place.
For those who I have fallen in love with instantly... one a hitchhiker who truly loved me, who taught me everything I know, who taught me the true meaning of love, and I had to let go at the ripe age of 18.. then a guy in the Army, who had an awesome soul/heart, but the inability to communicate or love (which I have been told by psychics close to me that it's not over and we share previous lives together). Then the one I am with, who loves me unconditionally, and is a true heart and soul, and with my self-sabotage I run the risk of losing on a daily basis. Then there was one guy in a bar, we had one night, same as Army man, which he let go of his soul for one night, but did not have the ability to be there future-wise. So for those I have loved.
Why can songs bring me to tears, when much nothing else can... except for my pain I cause the one closest to me now? As I type I cry...
I feel the need to close for the minute... dunno if I will be back in few minutes, or a few days.. and I am sorry for now that I can't share my real identity, but I have to protect myself, for now, but not for long I hope...
For those of you out there, like me, that suffer from pain, anxiety, and other issues, (depression, etc.), we can overcome, just be patient.
Learn meditation, learn to take care of us... we can do it, we are just trying to figure out how?