First appointment with neurofeedback today. I went with open mind, didn't take my anxiety meds, and did my normal day up to then, one cup of coffee (since that makes my anxiety worse, something I have to deal with, although I have cut out most coffee because of that). Usually I have to take anxiety meds just to leave my place & go out in public, drive, whatever. I expected, and was ready, to take my anxiety meds after, while having to drive and to get back home, etc. Weird though. I was able to go to the appointment, do the "session" and I left, had anxiety, but didn't feel unbalanced & out of control as I usually do. So I decided to wait a bit, and see how I did and what triggers I felt, and so on. I went by and visited my boyfriend at work for a bit, grabbed some food, then stopped by K-Mart on way home, partially to avoid 5pm traffic hour. In the parking lot, I had my first "panic attack", when a woman was having some major issue & I picked up on it... I felt she was dramatizing, which made me reserved, so I waited in my car & "shook it off". She was "ok", which was in question, but I already knew that, just had to wait and make sure, because why would a woman act like that with two impressionable children with her? Same reason many selfish people do, for attention. Now I am glad I followed my intuition and kept my distance. I still went inside the store, which normally, I would not have been able to do. A panic attack for me rules me & takes over. I walked the store with a buggy & looked at tons of stuff, while traffic rush hour traffic went on outside, without me. I had a couple episodes inside the store, but each time was able to deal with each anxiety issue on my own, without meds, and get through it. I've not been able to do this in years. I walked past alcohol, with no desire, which normally, I am so "over the top" with my anxiety and being overwhelmed, that I would want to "numb" and make it go away. I have not had a cigarette in two days, only one then, and even though I wanted one, I have been able to get past that too. I arrived home like between 7-8 p.m. and actually felt the most "balanced" that I have in umpteen years. My anxiety controls me. Today, I controlled it, with success, for the first time in forever. I made another appointment for Monday morning, after morning rush traffic, then I have a dental appointment. I have a "social" meeting to attend with "people" out in public on Sunday, so this is all going to be a huge test for me. But if I can stay strong & in control like this, I am soooo on my way to accomplishing something that I have not been able to do myself, and overcoming issues that have plagued me for years and years. This is my first step towards a healthy life again. The possibilities if this works for me are endless..... so keep you posted on my progress!
On another note, it is no fun watching TV programs or movies anymore, as I know everything before it happens.... I was watching TV with my sweet boyfriend the other night & kept saying in advance how everything was going to go, and remember making the comment at the end "I bet you hate watching stuff with me lately, because I keep saying everything out loud before it happens". He was sweet enough not to agree. Tonight I watched several shows & did that through every one of them, and realized that it was boring, because it took all of the fun out of the show, knowing everything in advance. So, now I need something more fun & creative to stimulate my minds. Usually I watch stuff that I have to figure out, that stretches my brain, but even that is not a challenge anymore....
In addition, this week I have been hypersensitive to sound, light, smells, everything. I have had migraines again for the first time in a year. My senses are way over the top, which has caused me to withdraw even more. I have been in hyper-drive, working on websites and doing technological stuff, and it has made it worse apparently. But, even today, after my session, even though those things are a nuisance, they are tolerable. Wow, am I impressed and pleased. :) If I keep progressing, I will be posting a link to this guy for those in this area who can benefit from his help!
Wow, don't wanna jinx myself, but I woke up today feeling awesome! I have "operated" this week a few days in "daytime" energy, and have done so much better. Yes, outlook is a lot of it, but withdrawing again for enough down-time has helped tremendously too. I opened the blinds and screen door to let in sunlight and the breezes from outside, which is EXTREMELY unlike me, as I tend to shut outside out 364 days of the year. Super sensitive to light, etc and with my allergies, I usually can't do that, but today, for some reason, feel great with it. I put on my "boom boom" music, which is a huge spirit lifter :) and have lots to do today, so gonna get things done!
Back soon! Getting busy :)
Wow, it's been over a month since I posted! Where to start...
Well I am learning alot, growing so much and overcoming things that I want to overcome in my everyday life. I have truly found that being positive and focusing in that direction brings positivity to our lives. Focusing on negatives, then that is what we get too. So, I would much rather live positive, than negative. And our outlook truly manifests in how we project!
I am still on a reversed schedule (night/day). I prefer that actually. But on the days that I have to be a "day" person, I am, I would just rather live in my night time world. I used to get punished as a child for being a night person. Mentally and physically. As an adult on this journey I have learned that it's just what I am and what works best for me. :)
I have been focusing on the positive, paying attention to people that come and go in my life and ridding myself of the drama and bullcrap. Life is not meant to be unhappy! Worrying just creates us additional problems, and is needless negative energy. Those that I deal with or come across who prefer to be negative, even the ones "great" at hiding their negative crap behind the intentions of doing good, don't need to be in my life. I am finally able to identify the narcissists, negatives, etc. and am so much stronger in how I deal with that.
My gifts are evolving again. I have gotten much stronger in many areas. I go to sleep every night with a meditation CD on continual repeat and sleep with headphones on. The cool things are what I experience because of this both during my sleep and during the day. My favorite is a "Chakras Healing Meditation CD" that I purchased a few months ago. It rocks! When I sleep with it going, I dream great things (I actually remember my dreams now!), astral travel, you name it. When I take them off, my dreams go the other direction and they are not as positive and I tend to have more nightmares. I have woken myself up talking and having full conversations in my sleep! I have noticed HUGE change in the last month since I started doing that.
I have found that for the first time, my relationship with my guy is the best ever. This is the first relationship that I have had that actually gets better with time rather than worse. That his huge in itself! I love him tremendously and he is so wonderful to me. I have come so far!
My focus now is still my group and a job that I am happy at and can pay my bills. Oh and first and foremost, me! To continue to focus on the positive and grow, grow, grow! I completely my Level 1 Reiki class, and got my certificate to practice Reiki. I plan on doing level 2 in the next few weeks and the master class within the next month or 2. Yay!
Life is not perfect, but it is what we make it!