I know I have a long way to go, but I am evolving, growing, learning. My mechanism for dealing with people who said hateful, hurtful things was to get upset, write them off, be done with them. Lately, I have been working on myself, dealing with past relationships, working to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, and learning to say I am sorry for the part that I played in hurtful situations, no matter how warranted my actions might have been...
Tonight I realized that in my efforts to apologize, forgive, move on, that not everyone is accepting of my good will. No matter if I am in a place of forgiveness, that they are not and it is their ignorance and own self-hatred that keeps them in that unhappy place. So all I can do is what I can do on my end, is forgive and take responsibility for my actions and then just close that door and move on. I do not have to associate with such people, that drama, that negative energy in my life. I can move on in a good place, and leave it all behind. I can work to repair myself, and what past is repairable, then the rest, just do my best in the most positive way and keep going on my journey. I am my responsibility. I am accountable for my actions. Am I perfect? No way. Am I a good person? Damn right. Am I smart enough to know the difference? Sure am!
My entire life, I have dealt with abuse, every way, shape & form. I was molested for many years, beaten worse than any person should ever suffer, but am learning that the mental abuse is soooo much worse, harder to realize, harder to find an answer, and so much harder to get away from and then to overcome the damage done, wow.... that is a whole different story.
I thought that I had come through all of that, and by opening up, talking about it, journaling my thoughts, and trying to change what kept me repeating my adult relationships and ending back in an abusive situation. Get strong, big walls, "I am tough" and by dealing with it and toughening up in order to function, I did and kept going strong.
I left home at 15 years old (my 3rd time leaving) due to living at home in an abusive home (every way possible). I had been working odd jobs since I was 13 years old. I did inventory for a Parts Store at 13years old. Then 14-15 yrs old I took a babysitting job for a family of 2 beautiful boys. I became family, and they became mine. I kept those children & integrated into that family for 2 years. Those kids were like my own. But looking at paying rent & needing to survive, I could not live on the $40/week I got for taking care of the kids, and I spent every bit of it on gas driving them around! So I went to high school, took all advanced classes, and by end of my 11th grade year, I only needed like 1-1.5 credits to graduate. I went to summer school to accelerate my credits, so that I could enter the DCT (work training program) my entire 12th grade year. Because I took those extra credits, I did not even have to show up at school my entire 12th grade year, and I got grades for my work. I got straight "A's", moved out and got an apartment at 15, to escape my abusive home, and to add one better, my abusive, obsessed, dangerous boyfriend of 2 years. Yeah, I had it all directions. I was like a ping pong ball being beat to hell and back.
The next year, wow, I moved like 8 times, hopping from place to place, as I had no where to go.... initially I started out paying a 1/3 of the bills in a cool apartment with my best friend and her mom. The adventures I had while living there were some of the best in my life. I met the first man that I would fall in love with, intensely, unconditionally and forever. He taught me, showed me what a good relationship could be, treated me like a queen and he loved me, no matter what. But it was not meant to be, as I was too young, and he was so "free-spirited" and I was scared to give up my stability of a girl, on her own, 17 years old, working 2 jobs, singing in a band.... to just run off for love.. yes I wanted to run, I'd go anywhere with him, but my logical side said, "no, keep your feet on the ground".... so I had to stand there crying while I watched him walk away, heart broken. We both were crying.... every moment with him is embedded in my memory and most special.
After he left, I started dating, as before him it was all abusive relationships. I was still working several jobs & singing with the band, home hopping to keep a roof over my head, and I had to show up to my graduation and had not been physically to the school in over a year. I was lucky enough to have an awesome, gorgeous guy take me to my graduation, both all decked out, we were the bomb! All of my relationships after "my first love" were short lived, as they were all dysfunctional in some way. I didn't know what I wanted, and I was lost as a person, never having a place to live for long, running from my abusive "non-dad" (that's what I call the man they say is my father, who I since have found out is not, but no one will/can tell me who is, so I call him non). Sad to say, but the best thing that ever happened to me was his death. There was no way to keep my sanity, while continually being subjected to his alcoholic rantings, either chasing me down to try to make me go back home (in bed) with him, or standing at the door with a shotgun threatening to blow my brains out, showing up at my job yelling in his drunken stupor that he was gonna take me home to sleep with him. One time he found me walking to my sisters and chased me down the street in his truck. I was barefoot and jumped a ditch and ran up between two buildings to hide. He was so drunk he crashed into the ditch. I had to stay hidden on the ground, behind a building for 4-5 hours, until they got him out of there and I could safely come out. So yes, next relationship, was abusive. Then I got pregnant. I then realized it wasn't about me anymore. My child had to come first and be raised properly, giving him as much as I could, and never let him suffer emotionally, to the best of my ability. Things were definitely rough, but he was a beautiful child that was so special and worth doing without, dealing with crap to get him to where I needed him to be. I had seen totally dysfunctional and was going to prote
Wow! Nothing like being woken up from a dead sleep by the TV blaring, when you are super hyper-sensitive to sounds/lights/everything sense-wise.... and on top of that, a channel with a woman screaming in labor! I am going to have to wear ear plugs 24/7 just to function it seems. It reminded me of when my mom used to wake me up, out of spite, by opening all the windows and letting in the sun to make me wake up, and I'd get an instant migraine, and it would kill me. The more I complained, the more she did it out of spite. Then she decided to take a spray bottle of water and spray me in the face to wake me up... or pull me by the head of my hair down the hallway from my bedroom, screaming.... any one of those was hell for me... so needless to say, any instant noise, light, anything, sends me into instant migraines and oblivion of being severely pissed.
Yes, I was abused in every way shape and fashion as a child/teen. Started before I can remember... physical, sexual, mental... you name it, I experienced it. What is worse is when your mother puts you in that position, then "sacrifices you for her own selfishness.... but these are things I have had to come to accept and the one thing is it made me protect my child (yes to the point of over-protection, but worth it to me), to make sure he never experienced anything that I did.... I tried to give him enough love as mom & dad, since dad was lacking... always build up his self esteem, let him know how proud I was of him, never called him stupid... and when my health was bad, which was alot, told him to stay away from me when my blood pressure was up and I was at boiling point, so I would not lash out at him, just because I was going off the deep end. I did the best I could with what I had. A deadbeat dad (my son's), who is 45-50K behind on child support, putting him in the best of schools, giving him a great education, giving up great jobs for day jobs so I could raise my child and be there for him when I needed to be, until he was grown... but then that changed, because I kept meeting/ending up with the wrong men, and never got ahead... which is my fault... we don't understand our past sometimes until we can look back on it and see what we went through, where we ended up, and everything in between.... the experiences we had and why, as empaths we had them... I decided a few years ago I was not meant to be in relationships with men anymore, as I was way too different and my relationships don't last or work. Then one came along, that so far, has proven me wrong... funny, I always "accidentally" find them when I am not looking... which is always the best case, as when we are looking, we "settle" and always ends up badly... I told this one immediately, you cannot fall in love with me... I tried everything I could to push him away. Didn't work, he stuck in there with me and although we have had our obstacles to overcome, like any other, he still does. I fell in love with his kind heart and the fact that he loves me no matter what. He has a positive/good soul. For the first time, knowing what I am, I feel that I actually could have a future with someone, who accepts me as I am, with my abilities and supports me in every way. It makes me want to be a better person for him.
What to say, but then, it all just kind of flows out on its own. Regardless of what I want others to see or read.... having these "gifts" that sometimes are VERY rough to deal with... and having to function in a "normal" world... doesn't seem possible many days. Only meant by saying that I am so different... one of a kind, for sure... sometimes that is great and sometimes it is so well, like we are never one of a kind, even tho we know we are different. For me, I am special, but we all sabotage ourselves, in so many ways.
I have fallen in love a couple/few times and it is usually instantly. But they are not the ones I end up with, normally, but yet with the ones I have "to save"... and those are the ones that are so bad for me, can hurt me, physically and emotionally, as we always end up with the one who reminds us of the ones in our life that hurt us the most (mother/father)... with the same traits, no matter how hard we try. And we do try, I "watched/studied" people, and knew what triggers, what made them tick, what they thought as they walked by in a mall or sat across from me in a crowded bar as I "people watched". Those I have loved, sometimes they knew it, sooner or later, but sometimes they didn't.. We all have the same traits, in many ways... we can see past the bull in people to "know" them, even if they don't know themselves, we do. We also can fall "out of love" as quickly, but are they ever gone? No is the answer. We always love them with all of our heart.
This will probably be my longest blog, being my first, I will probably write like tons, then, later, slack off, back down some, depending on the day.
I am not a day person, like most like us, but a night person. When the energy is lowest, and most area asleep, we are at our best, functionality-wise. People bring us pain, negativity, for the most part, until we learn to control it. For me, I have not. I am a severe introvert, on most days of the week, which is debilitating. Other days, with the right stimulation, I am an extreme extrovert. When I extend myself too much or are too extroverted, I have the need for severe downtime. I have a fear of the world. I am hyper-sensitive to smells, noises, light... yes I have ascension symptoms, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, you name it, I have it. Oh and severe anxiety, which controls me. I have done many things to overcome, yet, most times I am worse off daily than I was before. My boyfriend, he tries so hard to get me out into the world, and has come to finally accept my abilities, yet they still keep me hidden from the world, because the negativity is way too big for me at this point.
I took over a group for this stuff and have grown it from 17-79 in like 9 months. But still have problems dealing with the negatives. I am getting stronger, realizing my abilities, and can over come them. I know I am stronger that many, but still "retreat" to protect myself. My group has been a life-saver for me, from the very first time that I went to a meeting, to when I took over by default, and it turned into a "safe haven" for those of us alike in abilities. We are the only empath etc group within 100 miles. Yet, I still have to deal with those who mean harm or negativity to those in our group, that have the same or other abilities, but I am strong enough to do so.
I have been married multiple times, to the wrong men. All abusive, in some way shape or form. One a narcissist who can't accept responsibility for his own actions, has a personality disorder (borderline personalities), which carries over into my "real" life, with those in my group that possess the same qualities that I have to and will deal with.
As I type, I play music that touches my soul... many genres... Boom Boom Boom by the Black Eyed Peas... (which all of their songs rock, they are my favorite).... puts me in a happy place.
For those who I have fallen in love with instantly... one a hitchhiker who truly loved me, who taught me everything I know, who taught me the true meaning of love, and I had to let go at the ripe age of 18.. then a guy in the Army, who had an awesome soul/heart, but the inability to communicate or love (which I have been told by psychics close to me that it's not over and we share previous lives together). Then the one I am with, who loves me unconditionally, and is a true heart and soul, and with my self-sabotage I run the risk of losing on a daily basis. Then there was one guy in a bar, we had one night, same as Army man, which he let go of his soul for one night, but did not have the ability to be there future-wise. So for those I have loved.
Why can songs bring me to tears, when much nothing else can... except for my pain I cause the one closest to me now? As I type I cry...
I feel the need to close for the minute... dunno if I will be back in few minutes, or a few days.. and I am sorry for now that I can't share my real identity, but I have to protect myself, for now, but not for long I hope...
For those of you out there, like me, that suffer from pain, anxiety, and other issues, (depression, etc.), we can overcome, just be patient.
Learn meditation, learn to take care of us... we can do it, we are just trying to figure out how?