My energy over the last few weeks has been SO upside down. One minute I am normal, next minute I am "whacko", then round and round I go, up then down.... Keep this up and maybe I will get used to it! One upside, right? Actually, that is kind of true. The more I have to experience this, the more I learn, the more I hope to get a handle on it. Some days I think I have it kicked. Then within an hour I am going whacko. So, I have learned not to take the good for granted anymore that all is good, and be prepared, be stronger and pay attention, so that I can establish a cycle for myself, triggers and overcome them better with each experience.
I have done much better with negative energy and even groups of many energies. Normally, both would cause me major issues, but I am doing baby steps and making some progress it seems. Either that or I am just severely mis-guided. lol No really, a large group of mixed energies would wear me out for days. Negatives would drain me for days. Outside energy, same. But just in the last few weeks, even with me being in "energy" turmoil, I can see a difference. Yes, some days I have an awful time with it. But on a whole, I am dealing somewhat better. What used to take 5-6 days to recoup, is down to a day or two, depending. Last week I was busy with multiple energy issues (i.e. groups, meetings, appointments, outside/daytime energy, etc) and I bounced back so much better than I have in the past! Yay, progress (positive thoughts for sure)! And no matter what was thrown at me, I overcame it with much more ease and less stress. I have to say that I really think taking the Reiki classes have really made a huge difference, even subconsciously, how I deal with things. I also have come to the point of realizing that my "stuff" is coming up, and it is time to deal with it all... my past, my issues, who knows what all is there. But, I feel so positive about the progress I have made and know I can overcome and deal with it.
My entire outlook has changed. I don't feel the triggers emotionally that I did, even as recent as a couple weeks ago. I have learned to trust my intuition, the signs of pre-cognition, and to let go of the negative things in my past that I am conscious of. The blame for others and the self blame have to be forgiven and let go before we can grow and move on.
I know I have a long way to go, but I am evolving, growing, learning. My mechanism for dealing with people who said hateful, hurtful things was to get upset, write them off, be done with them. Lately, I have been working on myself, dealing with past relationships, working to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, and learning to say I am sorry for the part that I played in hurtful situations, no matter how warranted my actions might have been...
Tonight I realized that in my efforts to apologize, forgive, move on, that not everyone is accepting of my good will. No matter if I am in a place of forgiveness, that they are not and it is their ignorance and own self-hatred that keeps them in that unhappy place. So all I can do is what I can do on my end, is forgive and take responsibility for my actions and then just close that door and move on. I do not have to associate with such people, that drama, that negative energy in my life. I can move on in a good place, and leave it all behind. I can work to repair myself, and what past is repairable, then the rest, just do my best in the most positive way and keep going on my journey. I am my responsibility. I am accountable for my actions. Am I perfect? No way. Am I a good person? Damn right. Am I smart enough to know the difference? Sure am!
My entire life, I have dealt with abuse, every way, shape & form. I was molested for many years, beaten worse than any person should ever suffer, but am learning that the mental abuse is soooo much worse, harder to realize, harder to find an answer, and so much harder to get away from and then to overcome the damage done, wow.... that is a whole different story.
I thought that I had come through all of that, and by opening up, talking about it, journaling my thoughts, and trying to change what kept me repeating my adult relationships and ending back in an abusive situation. Get strong, big walls, "I am tough" and by dealing with it and toughening up in order to function, I did and kept going strong.
I left home at 15 years old (my 3rd time leaving) due to living at home in an abusive home (every way possible). I had been working odd jobs since I was 13 years old. I did inventory for a Parts Store at 13years old. Then 14-15 yrs old I took a babysitting job for a family of 2 beautiful boys. I became family, and they became mine. I kept those children & integrated into that family for 2 years. Those kids were like my own. But looking at paying rent & needing to survive, I could not live on the $40/week I got for taking care of the kids, and I spent every bit of it on gas driving them around! So I went to high school, took all advanced classes, and by end of my 11th grade year, I only needed like 1-1.5 credits to graduate. I went to summer school to accelerate my credits, so that I could enter the DCT (work training program) my entire 12th grade year. Because I took those extra credits, I did not even have to show up at school my entire 12th grade year, and I got grades for my work. I got straight "A's", moved out and got an apartment at 15, to escape my abusive home, and to add one better, my abusive, obsessed, dangerous boyfriend of 2 years. Yeah, I had it all directions. I was like a ping pong ball being beat to hell and back.
The next year, wow, I moved like 8 times, hopping from place to place, as I had no where to go.... initially I started out paying a 1/3 of the bills in a cool apartment with my best friend and her mom. The adventures I had while living there were some of the best in my life. I met the first man that I would fall in love with, intensely, unconditionally and forever. He taught me, showed me what a good relationship could be, treated me like a queen and he loved me, no matter what. But it was not meant to be, as I was too young, and he was so "free-spirited" and I was scared to give up my stability of a girl, on her own, 17 years old, working 2 jobs, singing in a band.... to just run off for love.. yes I wanted to run, I'd go anywhere with him, but my logical side said, "no, keep your feet on the ground".... so I had to stand there crying while I watched him walk away, heart broken. We both were crying.... every moment with him is embedded in my memory and most special.
After he left, I started dating, as before him it was all abusive relationships. I was still working several jobs & singing with the band, home hopping to keep a roof over my head, and I had to show up to my graduation and had not been physically to the school in over a year. I was lucky enough to have an awesome, gorgeous guy take me to my graduation, both all decked out, we were the bomb! All of my relationships after "my first love" were short lived, as they were all dysfunctional in some way. I didn't know what I wanted, and I was lost as a person, never having a place to live for long, running from my abusive "non-dad" (that's what I call the man they say is my father, who I since have found out is not, but no one will/can tell me who is, so I call him non). Sad to say, but the best thing that ever happened to me was his death. There was no way to keep my sanity, while continually being subjected to his alcoholic rantings, either chasing me down to try to make me go back home (in bed) with him, or standing at the door with a shotgun threatening to blow my brains out, showing up at my job yelling in his drunken stupor that he was gonna take me home to sleep with him. One time he found me walking to my sisters and chased me down the street in his truck. I was barefoot and jumped a ditch and ran up between two buildings to hide. He was so drunk he crashed into the ditch. I had to stay hidden on the ground, behind a building for 4-5 hours, until they got him out of there and I could safely come out. So yes, next relationship, was abusive. Then I got pregnant. I then realized it wasn't about me anymore. My child had to come first and be raised properly, giving him as much as I could, and never let him suffer emotionally, to the best of my ability. Things were definitely rough, but he was a beautiful child that was so special and worth doing without, dealing with crap to get him to where I needed him to be. I had seen totally dysfunctional and was going to prote