Even though it may seem that I am being negative in my posts, I really am not. I am just speaking about those things that affect me... I am a positive person by nature.. but I feel this blog is to be "real" with those things that may mean things to others also... which is where I come from. :)
My oddities... as I call them... things I experience, some I understand, many I don't. But I am getting there, slowly but surely.
This may get to some, but it is me.... I have super hyper sensitive smells, hearing, to light, sounds, everything it seems. Sometimes I can feel everyone around me, those I have "touched" their heart, on the other side of the world, others that have a connection with me in a certain way, etc.
For my oddities: I have extreme noise issues... that drive me completely insane... ticking, like the hands of a clock, a blinker in a car, tapping of the fingers (this drives me absolutely off the deep end), the friggin exhaust fan in a bathroom, loud noises, news, the dang song on the weather channel, back-up sounds on a vehicle that beeps, outside sounds other than nature, car horns, people talking too loud about stupid stuff or just talking for no reason period.
Other things that I just can't stand: Stupidity, liars, hypocrites, unethical people, pedophiles who take advantage of others with their abilities, narcissists, users, fake people, those to are not out to help others truly from the heart with no self serving motivations, and so much more I will have to come back and add...
Things I experience that I don't understand some or most of the time: the high pitch in my ears (don't know if it is the spiritual world trying to communicate also, but I have tied it to world catastrophes when it overtakes my head and I can't hear anything else and it goes ballistic). Astro-traveled in my dreams, sometimes I can remember, sometimes I cannot (which is more common), but yet, I know I have been there later, when things re-occur that I have already seen, or I see the future, and it confuses me, until things come true... or some just are there, and don't know the reason. I have remote viewed, with success, but don't understand it, and don't think it is a thing meant for me.
I know there are those out there that can help me, and my "true" friends have been there to help me along the way. But, I have soooo much progress to make, so many things to overcome, so much pain to let go of (mostly self blame and I understand that),
I have this weird a$$ chit going on with me for the like last 6 months or so, since I have been paying attention to time.... Every time I look at a clock it is: 1:11, 2:11, 9:11, 11:11 etc... or 1:33 2:33, 3:33, 4:44 etc. always the same..... I have started documenting times that I feel stuff to see if it coincides with other things, and most of the time it does... feelings, pain, natural events somewhere in the world..... Yes another oddity...
Wow! Nothing like being woken up from a dead sleep by the TV blaring, when you are super hyper-sensitive to sounds/lights/everything sense-wise.... and on top of that, a channel with a woman screaming in labor! I am going to have to wear ear plugs 24/7 just to function it seems. It reminded me of when my mom used to wake me up, out of spite, by opening all the windows and letting in the sun to make me wake up, and I'd get an instant migraine, and it would kill me. The more I complained, the more she did it out of spite. Then she decided to take a spray bottle of water and spray me in the face to wake me up... or pull me by the head of my hair down the hallway from my bedroom, screaming.... any one of those was hell for me... so needless to say, any instant noise, light, anything, sends me into instant migraines and oblivion of being severely pissed.
Yes, I was abused in every way shape and fashion as a child/teen. Started before I can remember... physical, sexual, mental... you name it, I experienced it. What is worse is when your mother puts you in that position, then "sacrifices you for her own selfishness.... but these are things I have had to come to accept and the one thing is it made me protect my child (yes to the point of over-protection, but worth it to me), to make sure he never experienced anything that I did.... I tried to give him enough love as mom & dad, since dad was lacking... always build up his self esteem, let him know how proud I was of him, never called him stupid... and when my health was bad, which was alot, told him to stay away from me when my blood pressure was up and I was at boiling point, so I would not lash out at him, just because I was going off the deep end. I did the best I could with what I had. A deadbeat dad (my son's), who is 45-50K behind on child support, putting him in the best of schools, giving him a great education, giving up great jobs for day jobs so I could raise my child and be there for him when I needed to be, until he was grown... but then that changed, because I kept meeting/ending up with the wrong men, and never got ahead... which is my fault... we don't understand our past sometimes until we can look back on it and see what we went through, where we ended up, and everything in between.... the experiences we had and why, as empaths we had them... I decided a few years ago I was not meant to be in relationships with men anymore, as I was way too different and my relationships don't last or work. Then one came along, that so far, has proven me wrong... funny, I always "accidentally" find them when I am not looking... which is always the best case, as when we are looking, we "settle" and always ends up badly... I told this one immediately, you cannot fall in love with me... I tried everything I could to push him away. Didn't work, he stuck in there with me and although we have had our obstacles to overcome, like any other, he still does. I fell in love with his kind heart and the fact that he loves me no matter what. He has a positive/good soul. For the first time, knowing what I am, I feel that I actually could have a future with someone, who accepts me as I am, with my abilities and supports me in every way. It makes me want to be a better person for him.
Yes, it is late at night again. The best time for me, when the energy in the world is slower, easier to function. I go a couple of days really strong, working on-line, building websites (for fun right now, and for the last 9 years'ish. I have made some wonderful friends on this journey, and have also met some that didn't have the best intentions, which I have to learn the difference between still. I am even more of an extrovert than I was before, and find when I have too much "stimulation" either via technology or people or when my ears go crazy with the loud pitch that about drives me crazy, then I need more time to "replenish" my energy and recuperate with downtime.
I have found that many of us share many of the same qualities... introverts (sometimes extroverts at time), we are the ones people find easy to talk to, to pour their hearts out to, as we are considered the "advisers of the world"... we usually have high IQ's, yet many have some sort of disorder (dyslexia, ADD, ADHD, etc). We are mistaken because many of us operate in logical mode, which tends to shut down our other abilities to pick up on things we normally would know, because we over-analyze things. People take this as us being slow, but we are not, we just look at all sides, before proceeding. Many have high stress jobs, because of our abilities and strengths, which makes it even worse. We tend to excel at what we do, as we are perfectionists in many ways.
I have found with working with the group, that many times we are stronger in our abilities as a group, rather than alone. Part of this is validation from others like us, regarding what we are experiencing or feeling/seeing at that moment we are together. Validation of our abilities is a huge thing. It keeps us from going crazy, and also helps us grow, by having faith in ourselves. I can't go out into public situations alone, but do much better with a group of like-minded souls who experience and support each other. The only bad thing I have experienced, is attending things with the same group of people, I have found that my bad experiences in picking up on negativity that is too/way overwhelming, well it came from the same person... I had to test this and subject myself to this on numerous occasions in order to confirm the negative that was draining/imposing on me, then had to take steps to separate myself from this person on every level. I refuse to have someone that is not a positive for me in my life, if I can help it. Now I work to surround myself with positives, as I work through issues to deal with the negatives... which I can do, without question.
"Coming out" to the world is hard for many. I have done this, not caring what others think of me, except where it is not accepted in the work place by so many different types of individuals with way to many ulterior and self-serving motives, so there it is a topic that I tend to keep to myself, until I deem someone safe enough to go there. Employment is a cut-throat world, especially now, and these abilities are like others you just don't discuss (i.e. politics, religion, etc). I have learned these are topics to stay away from.
Another thing many of us have in common is... majority of us don't watch the news, read the newspaper, or do anything to subject ourselves to the chaos & pain of the world. We don't do confrontations, unless severely provoked (some of us), and avoid them at all cost. Sometimes this is not possible if we are fighting for our own well-being, but overall, tend to be peace-keepers, the ones who resolve issues without the chaos & drama....
I did not know I was an "Empath" until I met another who affected me so strongly, and at the "end" we realized what had been happening all along. See, positive empaths, well, they tend to bring out the best in us... but a negative empath, well, that can be disastrous. I could not figure out why I felt down, depressed, upset, unsettled all of the time. Then once I knew it was over, we were discussing how I had said he was unhappy here and he was arguing that he was not (our common argument). Until I said, I can feel you, I feed off of others feelings, did he/we understand what had been going on the entire time. Also explains why we ended up together so dang quick.... we even had the same birthday. BUT, once he moved here, away from his kids, mom, family, friends, he lost a part of himself, and was staying for the wrong reasons. That is what I felt the entire time and didn't know it. I could start crying for no reason, and someone knew nothing was wrong with me... It took me a long time to learn the difference between my true feelings and me feeling someone else's feelings, and how to gain control of that, once I identify it. In short, we were mirroring each other, except he was a negative, and it took me over completely. Truth's come to me in the shower, something about the water... and I was in the shower, tears streaming down my face, for what reason, I didn't know, just knew he had to go. This was actually at a time that I needed him most, but I knew he had to go then. He walked through the door to tell me he had a call for a job, and I told him no, sit down, pack your backs and you are leaving tonight. Stunned was the least of it, but we both knew.
It was after that, that I learned to start paying attention more. More to my feelings, those around me, and started realizing "wow" how f*&^%$ up this made me... and how I had no idea how to deal with it. I would be at work and all of the sudden feel sadness so badly that I could not work majority of the day. This happy-go-lucky girl all of a sudden took on another persona... and others must have noticed, because I would get questioned as to if I was OK or not... and I would say no, but I don't know what is wrong with me. Later I found out the girl across from me was internally hiding how upset she was over her husbands abusiveness and she was having to get out for the safety of herself and the kids.... another day I came home to find my guy sitting on the couch, totally distraught, because he was worried all day that I was going to break up with him. I had felt him from work all day! Another time, a year or two earlier, my son, who is military, was stationed 10 hours away and had just gotten back from one of his tours over in Iraq, and tried to surprise me... problem is, all week I had the feeling he was coming to town, and a couple of seconds before he arrived, I was standing at my linen closet folding towels and I said "he's here".... then came a crazy pounding knock on the door right after... "surprise!!!!!". How do you surprise someone like me? lol
What to say, but then, it all just kind of flows out on its own. Regardless of what I want others to see or read.... having these "gifts" that sometimes are VERY rough to deal with... and having to function in a "normal" world... doesn't seem possible many days. Only meant by saying that I am so different... one of a kind, for sure... sometimes that is great and sometimes it is so well, like we are never one of a kind, even tho we know we are different. For me, I am special, but we all sabotage ourselves, in so many ways.
I have fallen in love a couple/few times and it is usually instantly. But they are not the ones I end up with, normally, but yet with the ones I have "to save"... and those are the ones that are so bad for me, can hurt me, physically and emotionally, as we always end up with the one who reminds us of the ones in our life that hurt us the most (mother/father)... with the same traits, no matter how hard we try. And we do try, I "watched/studied" people, and knew what triggers, what made them tick, what they thought as they walked by in a mall or sat across from me in a crowded bar as I "people watched". Those I have loved, sometimes they knew it, sooner or later, but sometimes they didn't.. We all have the same traits, in many ways... we can see past the bull in people to "know" them, even if they don't know themselves, we do. We also can fall "out of love" as quickly, but are they ever gone? No is the answer. We always love them with all of our heart.
This will probably be my longest blog, being my first, I will probably write like tons, then, later, slack off, back down some, depending on the day.
I am not a day person, like most like us, but a night person. When the energy is lowest, and most area asleep, we are at our best, functionality-wise. People bring us pain, negativity, for the most part, until we learn to control it. For me, I have not. I am a severe introvert, on most days of the week, which is debilitating. Other days, with the right stimulation, I am an extreme extrovert. When I extend myself too much or are too extroverted, I have the need for severe downtime. I have a fear of the world. I am hyper-sensitive to smells, noises, light... yes I have ascension symptoms, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, you name it, I have it. Oh and severe anxiety, which controls me. I have done many things to overcome, yet, most times I am worse off daily than I was before. My boyfriend, he tries so hard to get me out into the world, and has come to finally accept my abilities, yet they still keep me hidden from the world, because the negativity is way too big for me at this point.
I took over a group for this stuff and have grown it from 17-79 in like 9 months. But still have problems dealing with the negatives. I am getting stronger, realizing my abilities, and can over come them. I know I am stronger that many, but still "retreat" to protect myself. My group has been a life-saver for me, from the very first time that I went to a meeting, to when I took over by default, and it turned into a "safe haven" for those of us alike in abilities. We are the only empath etc group within 100 miles. Yet, I still have to deal with those who mean harm or negativity to those in our group, that have the same or other abilities, but I am strong enough to do so.
I have been married multiple times, to the wrong men. All abusive, in some way shape or form. One a narcissist who can't accept responsibility for his own actions, has a personality disorder (borderline personalities), which carries over into my "real" life, with those in my group that possess the same qualities that I have to and will deal with.
As I type, I play music that touches my soul... many genres... Boom Boom Boom by the Black Eyed Peas... (which all of their songs rock, they are my favorite).... puts me in a happy place.
For those who I have fallen in love with instantly... one a hitchhiker who truly loved me, who taught me everything I know, who taught me the true meaning of love, and I had to let go at the ripe age of 18.. then a guy in the Army, who had an awesome soul/heart, but the inability to communicate or love (which I have been told by psychics close to me that it's not over and we share previous lives together). Then the one I am with, who loves me unconditionally, and is a true heart and soul, and with my self-sabotage I run the risk of losing on a daily basis. Then there was one guy in a bar, we had one night, same as Army man, which he let go of his soul for one night, but did not have the ability to be there future-wise. So for those I have loved.
Why can songs bring me to tears, when much nothing else can... except for my pain I cause the one closest to me now? As I type I cry...
I feel the need to close for the minute... dunno if I will be back in few minutes, or a few days.. and I am sorry for now that I can't share my real identity, but I have to protect myself, for now, but not for long I hope...
For those of you out there, like me, that suffer from pain, anxiety, and other issues, (depression, etc.), we can overcome, just be patient.
Learn meditation, learn to take care of us... we can do it, we are just trying to figure out how?